whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Breakfast for Stoners:
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.