Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
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Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…