[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
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I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no