both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?