‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.