The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
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I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there