West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Just so funny
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.