There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
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My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Spotted in New Orleans.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
The photographer’s assistant
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.