[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
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Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.