Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
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Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
A French press is when you hug naked
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.