Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
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Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.