Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
How I’d get arrested…
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.