baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
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the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
getting old is fun
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.