It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella