Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
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Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Time for evil
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags