I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
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Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip