Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
#Caturday