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yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
The French cow says MEUX…
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Optional boss fight.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.