My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.