Still a very good boi….
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.