Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
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Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
kitchen magnet
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Raisins are grape jerky.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop