2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.