You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
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I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?