Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
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If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!