There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
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He-man has a Masters degree
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.