Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Oceanography is all about current events
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.