You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
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*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.