Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
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teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
every single time
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.