My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
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#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
This made me smile…
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Ha
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books