At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
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I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake