*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander