boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.