Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication