“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I’m confused about plants
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.