Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.