Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
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Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*