Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
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I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
listen closely
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Wait a minute…
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I triple waxed for this?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.