me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
emergency phone
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*limbos under the caution tape
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Are we there yet?…
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.