INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Sorry not sorry.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
$3 #books
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.