This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
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To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Erm…
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.