If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.