I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
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ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.