No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
You Might Also Like
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in