I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
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[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.