I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
North and South
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!