The three genders
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
NASA has no chill
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction