[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
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The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.