hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
You Might Also Like
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there