as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
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Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.