I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
You Might Also Like
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I’M CRYINGGG
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs